Inside Marie's Brain

Self-Acceptance : The Keiunna Edition

After 22 years of living, I’ve discovered I have big feet. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I know I must explain why it took me 22 years to discover the second part of that statement. I live in a world where being small is accepted and welcomed by men  and being larger and taller is not looked on too well. In this world, I sought to be like the norm, short, thin, with small feet, but I never was. And I never will be. So my whole life I tried shrinking myself to fit in. I would literally try to hide at my towering height back in school, I’d prefer shoes that made my feet look smaller, even though my feet were still the same size. I liked clothing that made me look “skinny” and didn’t show my “rolls”.

That was the type of girl I wanted to be. The norm. But as I was standing at the bus stop the other day with my size 12 M combat boots on, feeling cute as ever. I first had a thought of “these shoes are huge, I’ll get talked about.” Then the second thought came abruptly “Well my feet are huge, and I don’t care. I have big feet, always have, and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s nothing I want to do about it.”

I have big thighs and a not so flat tummy, I’m working on those things, though. I no longer wish to be skinny or “thin” but I do want to not have rolls or a “muffin top” So I’m currently, horribly, working on getting in shape while keeping my curves. And that day at the bus stop I had this huge revelation about my life. I am who I am. There are some things I can change (weight) and some things I can’t (foot size), and I have to accept myself. All of myself. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the even uglier. I am on this road to loving me, all of me. I am about 6 feet tall and I’m a whole lotta woman as Foxy Cleopatra would say. It’s so liberating to just accept yourself for who you are and no longer hold yourself up to these ridiculous expectations that you will never meet. Now I’m not saying that I won’t challenge myself. Everyday is a challenge for me these days. What I am saying is that I will do the serenity prayer. Accept the things I can’t change and change the things I can’t accept.

Be easy Tumblr.

Big foot Keiunna signing off. <3


My Meditation

My meditation

Not in the complications

But on congratulations

To the revelations

My mind is making

No longer faking

Or sitting somewhere hating

About what I don’t have

Gratefulness I’ve grabbed

My selfish heart has been jabbed

With love, grace, mercy happiness finding my place

In this state of grace

Where every breath I take

I’ve a reason to celebrate

Not judge, never holding a grudge

But love, always extending a hug

To everybody

Looks don’t matter, it’s just a body

But your soul, you better know who holds

In the words of Truth,

God is good and Dr. Jesus got a of patience,

Patience, a virtue I never had

But one I must grab

As I type this,

I remember one thing

To not let this just be words,

But to live out the dream


A poem

This is a poem I wrote quite some time ago. I decided to post it here. It’s real, the feelings in it are mine, how I feel, sometimes.

It’s called “Untitled”.

As the tears stream down my face,

I can’t help but be thankful for Your grace,

Though I don’t feel you today,

I’ll always know that You’re here to stay,

No matter what the world says,

You’re the reason for my existence

The reason that I sing,

The reason for everything,

My life, my love, my all

I know You’ll never let me fall

Don’t wanna question what’s already settled

But this world can have me so disheveled

I barely hear You say “Here I am, come to me my child”

My mind has gone off and went wild

My heart longs for You,

But the things that I run to,

Could never compare to or replace You

Why do I do the things I do?

Aren’t you enough?

Aren’t you my all in all?

Won’t you wipe every tear from my eye?

Won’t they never dry?

Companionship is what I long for,

What I seek,

But the wrong is what I get,

The right I often forget

Aren’t you tired of me?

Doing this and hurting You?

Doesn’t it hurt?

Isn’t it absurd of You to still love me after so many betrayals?

How can you stand me?

Don’t you hate me?

Why not?

Anyone else would

But then I remember you’re not everyone else, You’re You, God.

THE God. The ONE TRUE GOD.

The one who will never tire of me

Just the thought of that is unfathomable.

I can’t take it, it’s too complex for my elementary mind

Why would you love me enough to die for me?

Why would you love any of us enough to die for that matter?

BECAUSE you’re God. You could easily destroy us all, but Your love remains.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

One life that’s all I am, right now I can barely stand. Tenth Avenue North

Really hits my feelings right on the head most of the time.

It’s as if Mike and me have the same mind somehow.

I love You Father, and appreciate all that You do, at least I want to. I should. I will.

You’re so indescribable. That song sums it all up for me.

Even in my saddest/weakest moments You hold me with an arm so strong I can’t help but bend

And admit what I feel and release the tears that I’ve been trying to hold for so long.

I DON’T have to hold it together. I CAN let it out and be freed from my inner demons.

I love you so much and yet I run to others when I should be running to You

Why? It’s what I’m used to. I’m used to sucking the life out of people for my own selfish benefit.

And if they won’t let me suck on them anymore, I get hurt, or a better word, mad. But mostly hurt.

I’m much softer than everyone thinks that I am.

I love you. I love you. I love you. Isn’t that enough?

I must love obey and cherish You. Since you are my bridegroom and I your bride.

This is a marriage, a commitment. Communication is needed on a daily basis more than once.